By Dr Nimi Stephanie Ekere
Favouritism in parenting simply means preferring one child over another or the rest of the children.
Studies have shown that a large population of parents display consistent favouritism towards one child over another.
In a recent study done titled ‘The sibling effect’, the author affirms that 70% of fathers showed favouritism to a child while 65% of mothers displayed favouritism to one child. Another study has it that fathers preferred their female children while yet another study in Nigeria showed that male children were shown some form of preference over their female counterparts.
The reasons for favouritism include:
*Birth order– First and last borns are seen to be shown favouritism over their siblings.
*Gender : Some people show preference to a particular sex or gender especially if that gender was so desired.
*Children with special needs or ailments are understandably given a lot of attention which may not necessarily mean favouritism.
*Children who are affectionate would naturally attract same kind of emotions from their parents; talking about the law of reciprocity.
* Circumstances surrounding the birth: This includes, a child who was waited patiently for,a child born in old age e.g. Jacob loved Joseph because he was a child born at his old age and his mother, Rachel was his actually preferred wife until he was deceived to marry her sister.
Positive effects on the other siblings:
It confers some form of independence to the unfavoured children because they are almost indirectly taught independence while the favoured child cannot stand on her own without her parents and so cannot face the challenges life brings.
Negative effects on the other siblings:
*Conflict and disunity in the family.
*Hatred for the favoured child and even the parents.
*Low self esteem.
*Poor communication between parents and children.
*Depression in adulthood.
*Suicide in extreme cases.
The negative effect on the favoured child is that sometimes,he expects same gestures from outsiders and if their unrealistic expectations are not met, it leaves them depressed.
They are poorly behaved because they get away with a lot of things.
*Spend time with each child individually.
*Affirm and reaffirm their talents,strengths and interests.
*Celebrate achievements and milestones.
*Avoid unhealthy competition in your family.
In summary, favouritism in parenting dates back to the bible days as seen in the case of Rebekah who preferred Jacob to Esau and Isaac,on the other hand, preferred Esau to Jacob.
The consequences were deleterious and sadly outlived them.
Favouritism is human nature, it is sometimes inevitable but how parents and wards handle it is what matters.
While I do not encourage this act, I know that it might be an exercise in futility to tell a parent to drop the favouritism mantra. If you choose to have a favourite, please handle it with a great deal of wisdom and utmost maturity.
Know the love language of your child and profusely shower him with affection,so that you don’t end up creating unnecessary rivalry,bitterness and strife between your children.
Remember that you may also not be spared as they might eventually hate or resent you for loving them less than they deserved.
Dr Nimi Stephanie Ekere is a wife, mother and Family Physician. She enjoys writing, reading and attending to her patients. She is a life coach and teacher, who is passionate about children and young people walking in the right course and path to achieve their full potential.
Her Foundation, Ekom Charity Foundation mentors young people and also cares for the less privileged.
Is rape preventable?
Rape is a violent crime, and a very sensitive subject, that creates all kinds of emotions when talked about. Recently I wanted to do a talk on rape and needed a lawyer’s input, I wanted the lawyer to be part of the discussion, but her response was in the negative. In her words “I may be too emotional because I have had three near-rape incidents.”
Rape is caused by the rapist/s, but how do we protect our boys, girls, and ourselves from rape? I asked this question on my Facebook account and got some responses, which I would love to share here and I would also wish you can respond as well, as we learn and play our part to have a rape free society.
Ichechi Wokeh Esq; ‘Give the girl child good martial arts training to afford her a fighting chance in case of any eventuality... Truth is: rape, like many other vices, cannot be totally wiped off the face of the earth. We just have to find ways to avoid being victims. We can’t just sit back and wait it out. They should also be taught not to be with the wrong people at the wrong places, about the possibility of being drugged, about opening up, etc. Rape is a capital offence. They should beat the shame, report, and save the next girl from that particular rapist. Rape suspects hardly meet their bail conditions given the nature of the crime. I just can’t comprehend it when I hear people shy away from reporting rape cases. It’s not the shaming, but the resources to follow up your complaint. If you try that one with a family having the resources, that suspect is dead meat. It’s just the money to pursue case. Na money matter. Who born rapist??? If you see their physical condition in court, you’ll even forgive them.’
Dr. Charles Okpani; ‘Ovundah Nyeche we have to start instituting Christian family upbringing again. The men who rape were raised in homes, bro it will continue. Christian school education with well thought out sex education for every age group. Churches need to start organizing parenting classes for couples to learn.’
Dr. Comfort Ogidi; ‘There is no easy way to protect our children, God’s protection is all. I have heard of people who have ‘followed all protocols’ to prevent situations that can lead to rape and still got raped. Rape can happen anywhere, not mainly males but also females, friends, family, fathers, robbers, strangers are all culprits. Homes, boyfriends houses, streets, alleyways, buses, clubs and now churches have all been implicated. So I cannot tell my child don’t dress indecently( so you don’t get raped. I might have other reasons to tell them so but not that. Also a place you think is secluded today might be the only passageway tomorrow, and a regular route today might be secluded tomorrow. So basically, I would only ask parents to teach their children consent, and also ask our government to make rape punishment stiffer, and the culture of victim blaming reduced. Finally, having weapons such as pepper spray and such might not be a bad idea. Although one prays our children never meet a situation where they would have to use it.‘ When quizzed further about a comment she made about dressing, she added ‘I will tell them this…dress the way you want to be addressed….In this part of the world (Nigeria) if you dress with too much skin exposed, you would be seen as fickle, someone who has nothing much to bring to the conversation and that’s why you are calling attention to your body unnecessarily. In fact, to simpletons you are a slut. So dress the way you want to be seen as. Dress smart, dress to the occasion, dress to the place. Be smart, be emotionally intelligent. I don’t use the word ‘indecent dressing’ at all, as decency of dressing is relative to the place.What is seen as a decent dressing in Port Harcourt is indecent in Borno, and what is seen as decent in Essex is indecent in Lagos.‘
Emmanuel Nwakanma a Sociologist; ‘Dr. There may be no direct way of stopping or protecting people from rape, however putting some things in place can discourage it to a large extent. For instance:1. Perfecting forensic investigation. When people know that if they commit a crime, no matter how perfect, the justice system will always catch them, less crimes will be committed.2. Improve on our security system. We don’t really take security serious in Nigeria. No CCTVs on our streets alleys. Even on main roads, you can drive for hours and you won’t see one security personnel on the road. 3. Ensure perpetrators are dealt with in order to discourage others from such behaviour. 4. Teaching boys and girls self defence. 5. Improving on rapid response to SOS. Do we have a ‘911’? What’s the response rate? 6. Street lights, regular electricity. 7. Regularly educating boys and girls on risk factors, triggers and dynamics of rape. They look like irrelevant things but they can go a long way.‘
Dr. Boma Nyananyo; ‘Tell the boys… rape is wrong… teach them how to take no for an answer…Also protect the boys, many have been molested by women when they were younger.If all fails,don’t cover up.. don’t blame a girl who was raped… it hurts.’
Pst. Judah Olorunmaiye; ‘My thoughts are very scattered, please pardon me. I’ll also like to emphasize a few other things that may not have been echoed previously. Sir, Sex has been redefined by modern society. The first step is to be loud on the sacredness of sex. When we speak of Chastity, people believe it’s just another sexual orientation of someone who is low on libido, but as long as sex is just a body gift that can be received casually or stolen(Rape) we cannot even deal with the fundamental issues.It’s honestly difficult to give counsel on protecting yourself from rape because I’ve never been close to such situations, but I believe I can give general suggestions that may help us. Let’s start with the value of every human. While this may seem like an inconsequential point, it determines a lot in terms of how others are treated. Sexual, emotional and physical abuse, ranging from police brutality to domestic violence is founded on the premise of a lack of value for another human being’s emotions and feelings. There has been a systematic erasing of our conscience on the last decade, so much so that the hurts and pains of others doesn’t seem to bother us again. Our minds are constantly being trained to see pain and brutality as the norm among humans, we watch it in our favorite movies and hear of constant blood shed from activities of terrorism and kidnappers, and so slowly and surely we’ve added the trauma, pain and cruelty of rape as part of human society that can be endured and tolerated. There are already numerous counsels written here about how toxic the media can be to the young generation but let me buttress that point again. Our generation has been sexually pumped up. This is primarily because the average celebrity is a loose cannon who engages in all kind of pervert pleasure and gives an impression that this is how to live successfully. From Politicians buying sex toys to Religious leaders accused severally of sexual misconduct, we have deceived the next generation, that sexual pleasure inevitably comes with being at the Top.While we can acknowledge that some of these people have succeeded know their personal endeavors, we must refuse the temptation to paint them as heroes just because they are rich and famous.We are quick to label them as role models irrespective of their pervert views on sacred subjects and so our children may imitate their drive and tenacity towards success but they will also imbibe their values and reflect their principles.I also believe we have given too much respect to “Elders and Erring Leaders”The average rape case often involves a young lady and an older man, This older man believes his sins will be pardoned because he has grey hairs. No one will report him because they will respect his age and respect the tradition that protects an erring leader. I am a firm believer in honouring the aged, but it’s more priority to punish evil than to respect age and tradition. If the western world are more decisive with dealing with rape crimes, this is where they differ from Africa.The Pastor must know that he won’t be spared if his church finds out his evil, the political leaders must know they won’t be re elected if their constituency is told of their sex crimes. Finally, let’s scrap to a large degree the facilitators of a massive loss of self control. Our society preached about condoms and abortion pills in the name of safe sex but sold a message captioned.. “We must have sex, we can’t control our bodies, but just make it safe”, We should be preaching self control and not safe sex. Alcohol abstinence is now being mocked as being religious, meanwhile the consumption of that substance makes people lose their senses and think ugly thoughts.Everything that encourages the weakening of self control should be deemphasized no matter how logical they sound. If we can control our hormones and preach to others that it is not hard at all, we can save the next generation from the beast of sexual misconduct.’
Pst. Austine Oviawe; ‘We live in a very sexualized society, whose constant exposure homosexual innuendos and overtures is unparalleled. Sex is glamourized on every hand, entertainment, social media, arts, sports and even religion has become sexualized. Feminists have ignored the sexual gravity of men towards the woman’s nakedness, and defend every woman right to dress half naked, one has seen all sorts as women now dress sexy, not to cover nakedness. A naked woman does something to any sexually active male. Every man will respond sexually to a naked woman!As society is plunging into a sexual abyss, there is little or no knowledge to the young teens on handling and dealing with the sexual pressure that barrages them daily. Society through the internet is breeding all sorts of sexual perverts. The musical videos on even government television channels are for the most part x-rated. Little children as young as 2 years old can twerk and dance seductively like crazed adult whores. Sadly, most parent work, thus leaving an entire generation to school systems, the street, and TV programs after school, and these children are seeded with perverse sights and sounds.Kids have been caught kissing passionately in school toilets, and anywhere they have privacy, even our kids church are not spared, we spend more time monitoring interactions between kids who seem to have only had a week of innocence as babies. I don’t allow my kids attend other kids birthday parties anymore, what goes on in kids birthday party is worrisome. We need to declare an emergency in our schools, churches, homes, and society at large to tackle the sex lies, pressure, and perversion that seeks to overthrow an entire generation of young people. The need is for healthy and holistic sex education for teens and pre-teens, legislation to protect our young from defiling entertainment and creating boundaries where these have become trampled, and training both sexes how to possess their vessels in honour and sanctification. We must become proactive, and not reactive only when young girls are violated. We must do better that trend hashtags and take responsibility to raise youths who are sexually informed, and responsible. Parents must do their jobs and not delegate the responsibility of raising their kids to schools and churches. The entertainment outlets available to the kids must be properly vetted and controlled. It high time we have books for 3 and 4 year old on sexual exploitation and how to prevent and resist such. Exposing abuse at such early age of innocence by encouraging them to speak up and expose any one and everyone that violates their body. Parents must pay attention to kids mood and limit who and what their kids is exposed to, including kids their age too.‘
Living with Adenomyosis, my story.
By Anwuri Grend.
Some days ago I got to read about the Nollywood actress that had hysterectomy for Adenomyosis.
To say I was shocked is an understatement, as a medical doctor, especially an African that would have loved to have that hope of having her own child, I wouldn’t have advised her to take that mode of treatment.
More so as someone living with Adenomyosis, I would not have advised her to tread that path!
But then again, our pain thresholds are all different and Adenomyosis symptoms may differ in individuals, perhaps she was bleeding non stop and then her menstrual cramps and pain unbearable.
I also don’t know if she discussed her case with any other doctor for a second opinion, perhaps she would have been told there are several other people living with the condition.
The only problem though is that we Nigerians are still so secretive about these things, maybe because many times we feel “someone” is responsible for it! If there were groups like those living with endometriosis (which is a sister to Adenomyosis, just that instead of the uterine lining being in the uterine muscle like Adenomyosis, it’s outside eg in the ovary), perhaps hearing stories of how others are coping would have given a solid support system.
Before I was diagnosed of Adenomyosis all I knew about my periods were that I had “chunks of meat” as my regular flow, and if I start my menstrual flow on a Tuesday, the next time I won’t need any pad would be the next Tuesday. I seriously didn’t think of it as heavy flow and I always said I didn’t have pains.
So after marriage when I waited to conceive and didn’t, I went for a scan (yes, I never had one prior to marriage, there was no need). The Transvaginal scan showed the Adenomyosis and in addition, there was endometrial polyps and endometrial hyperplasia. I had a procedure (hysteroscopy) to remove the polyps and hyperplasia and then decided to keep trying to conceive with the Adenomyosis. And yes for me it worked, but what it did to me was multiple miscarriages.
A colleague once told me I was lucky, the typical presentation is pure infertility, mine allowed me take in but caused several miscarriages.
I didn’t have to move a muscle to miscarry, it was usually so bad that anytime I was pregnant and see the tiniest of blood, there’s absolutely nothing that can be done about …. Because the uterus(womb) will keep contracting until the baby was out.
I could miscarry at anytime, was commonly first trimester (5, 6 & 7 weeks) but I had one at 21 weeks(5months). One particular miscarriage I bled for 14 days non stop, clots etc! (PS: it was actually not smart of me, should have done a Manual Vacuum Aspiration but I decided to take advantage of the powerful contractions to evacuate my uterus).
After the 21weeks miscarriage(I had an MVA because I was on admission when it occurred), I decided I was going to get prophylactic cervical cerclage whenever I crossed the first trimester and thankfully (to God be the glory), it worked.
So prior to second trimester there was nothing that worked ie, bed rest oh, not moving a muscle oh, inserting cyclogest( as a matter of fact the pregnancies that stayed, I didn’t need to insert cyclogest!). So yes, I would say it was a miracle.
So when I hear things like I had to take my uterus out because the doctors told me there was no chance of me having a baby with Adenomyosis and endometriosis I get really upset.
These things are all probabilities so going ahead to have hysterectomy is making it final.
But again, I reemphasize that maybe her symptoms were simply unbearable and hence when advised for that mode of management, she opted for it.
There are times when I have felt “why me” but I quickly removed such backward thought from my head. I mean, all these things I was diagnosed of had names, meaning I wasn’t the first person to have them so what makes me so special that I shouldn’t be the one having it? And as a Christian I believed (and still do) that if God allowed me to have it, it’s because He has already made a way of escape for me, so I am more than capable of handling it. And yes He helped me.
Do I still have Adenomyosis today, yes! Do I still feel my womb when I palpate my abdomen, yes, even when I am not pregnant! I still have no plans of taking out my uterus now ‘jor’, when menopause comes it should sort itself out.
I however am tired of having miscarriages, so I will soon hang my boots…you don’t understand? Haaaa, my obstetric career will soon come to an end! I have tried. Or let me put it like apostle Paul(once I am done), I have finished the race, I have fought the good fight, waiting for me is a crown of Glory…
This piece is meant to be an encouragement for those coming after me. There’s nothing special about me, God can do it for you too if only you believe. If you are living with Adenomyosis, you are not alone. Cheer up, it’s not your village people(lol)!!!
Present at a good hospital and first get diagnosis made and ask for available options.
Nothing is bad if you want to do hysterectomy and subsequently adopt, yes it’s also an option.
I wish you all the best in this journey, I bow out honourably,lol.
P.S.: I now have two children and can’t be grateful to God enough.
Dr Anwuri Grend is a Family physician whose passion is creating and increasing health awareness for common conditions especially those affecting women.
She’s a Christian, married with two children and an advocate for the empowerment of the girl child and improvement of opportunities for women in all spheres of life.
How Expensive are Expensive Weddings?
By Edisemi Okpokiti
The cost for marriages is another reason for low marriages and also early broken marriages…it brings too much pressure to the equation.
Too much expectations, too much injuries in the process to accomplish, too much division already between new families who ought to be uniting, too much attention of the supposed spouse on an event than on the marriage.
Too much false hood expressed that has to be sustained, but with no basis for maintenance. Too much bad blood between supposed couples before they even start their home.
Many marriages ended on the night or morning after the wedding ceremony.
People regret night after their traditional wedding, and ask if it was worth all the tension, pressure and troubles or are visibly sad all through the wedding realising they have short changed themselves.
Love is stifled by fleshy lust of men and women for rights,privileges and inordinate desires to feel among. Many work for years to blow it one week 😭😭
Once the cost of the price to marry is reduced, the attention will be shifted to what my choice person thinks or feels and not what people think or feel; and that’s how relationships are built.
Preparation for marriage ought to be a good opportunity for people to know and get more acquainted with themselves but the pressure makes them distant from themselves, cursing, fighting and bitter at each other for their difference in priority and the family effect on them.
Father in-laws, mother in-laws , Siblings already become vouched enemies even before they know themselves.
It’s pathetic that poor families are the most expensive ones to marry from, it’s like these marriages is their visa out of poverty.
Elders have become children in their conduct and character just because of a young child’s money collected with the deceit of a priceless adventure.
Churches should adopt like the Orthodox churches now do for burials, giving specific date you must bury after death, thereby forcing hands to bury with what they have and not what they think they want.
Weddings in churches should be encouraged to be done even in midweeks and without receptions.
Young people also should stop talking of dream marriages. The women especially would shout “It is not in my turn, I’ll fall my hands”, but can’t you all see ,the men are not proposing because they are afraid and do not have what your entire village will demand? Ladies have to start discussing with their fathers and uncles and defend their husband to be.
Money spent on Marriages in this country, especially by the middle class and poor if invested could make those couples financially stable.
The steam most times is off before the team comes to field.
Many have lost even before the game starts.
Well for those who are really really well to do and I mean both not that the man is. Those whose families have more than enough to spare, then you are not stopped from your ecstasy.
If you are in relationship, and it’s not taking the next step this is a major cause. Seat with yourselves, seat with your parents and pastors and achieve your desire without destroying your desire. SELAH!
If you are a sibling or parent , please assist and clear all barriers and ensure your children and siblings don’t have this as a barrier preventing their marriage.
The age of unmarried is increasing daily to an average of 30…if this menace is not addressed …we will soon hit 35 yrs as average age of unmarried girls.
Let the wise hear, but the foolish rant…Life is a choice.
A counsel is not forced on anyone.
Edisemi Okpokiti is the Lead Faculty, The Pulpit and Lead Consultant of Rhabonni Consult Limited (A Human Capital Development Consultancy Firm). He is a trained Information Management Consultant and passionate preacher of the gospel.
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