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Help, I can’t control my anger!

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By Ruth Nyebuchi-Philips 

The prevalence of metal health disorder is alarming, yet under diagnosed or even recognized. Today I’ll be going a little far away from what we call “mad” and “crazy”.

Intermittent explosive disorder is characterized by repeated outbursts of uncontrolled anger and/or violence that is not in keeping with the cause or reason for the degree of violence. It can be seen in intimate partner violence or abuse, road rage, temper tantrums, breaking or throwing away objects.

 

Case

Mr A is a man of God, hardworking who cannot pass a chance at running down his secretary for slight errors, he claims he doesn’t know what comes over him, but he had to speak his mind. It is so bad right now that nobody wants to work with him

History of his younger days suggested that he was easily provoked, people were scared of him, because of his actions, he fought in public, could beat his wife because another man looked at her. This could happen twice or thrice a week.

After he’s done all in his mind, he feels horrible with himself, he remembers he’s a clergy man and starts apologizing. He goes out of his way to appease his wife, takes her out but God help her if another man looks at her, it begins with war of words and the cycle begins again.

His in-laws have taken him to the police on two occasions but brother cannot help himself to pounding flesh. The wife has left him. He currently searching for a new bride.

Meat of the matter

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual V for classification of mental health disease states the following criteria for Intermittent Explosive Disorder:

  • Recurrent outbursts that demonstrate an inability to control impulses, including either of the following:
  • Verbal aggression (tantrums, verbal arguments or fights) or physical aggression that occurs twice in a week-long period for at least three months and does not lead to destruction of property or physical injury (Criterion A1)
  • Three outbursts that involve injury or destruction within a year-long period (Criterion A2)
  • Aggressive behavior is grossly disproportionate to the magnitude of the psychosocial stressors( ie wetin dey disturb you like lack of money or work) (Criterion B)
  • The outbursts are not premeditated and serve no premeditated purpose ( you no plan to do am but e dey like say them push you) (Criterion C)
  • The outbursts cause distress or impairment of functioning, or lead to financial or legal consequences (e don affect your life,your relationship with your dose, family,affect your work then sack you or demote you) (Criterion D)
  • The individual must be at least six years old (Criterion E)
  • The recurrent outbursts cannot be explained by another mental disorder and are not the result of another medical disorder or substance use (Criterion F)

 

It is important to note that DSM-V now includes two separate criteria for types of aggressive outbursts (A1 and A2) which have empirical support:

Criterion A1: Episodes of verbal and/or non damaging, nondestructive, or non injurious physical assault that occur, on average, twice weekly for three months. These could include temper tantrums, tirades, verbal arguments/fights, or assault without damage. This criterion includes high frequency/low intensity outbursts.
Criterion A2: More severe destructive/assaultive episodes which are more infrequent and occur, on average, three times within a twelve-month period. These could be destroying an object without regard to value, assaulting an animal or individual. This criterion includes high-intensity/low-frequency outbursts.

 

Hope

It is treatable, by:

  1. Psychotherapy (talking therapy by a psychologist or psychiatrist)
  2. Medications.

 

First you have to identify it. Kindly visit a Psychiatrist close to you.

 

Ruth Nyebuchi-Philips  is a resident psychiatrist in training at the University of Port Harcourt Teaching Hospital.

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Favouritism in Parenting

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By Dr Nimi Stephanie Ekere

Favouritism in parenting simply means preferring one child over another or the rest of the children.
Studies have shown that a large population of parents display consistent favouritism towards one child over another.

In a recent study done titled ‘The sibling effect’, the author affirms that 70% of fathers showed favouritism to a child while 65% of mothers displayed favouritism to one child. Another study has it that fathers preferred their female children while yet another study in Nigeria showed that male children were shown some form of preference over their female counterparts.

The reasons for favouritism include:

*Birth order– First and last borns are seen to be shown favouritism over their siblings.

*Gender : Some people show preference to a particular sex or gender especially if that gender was so desired.

*Children with special needs or ailments are understandably given a lot of attention which may not necessarily mean favouritism.

*Children who are affectionate would naturally attract same kind of emotions from their parents; talking about the law of reciprocity.

* Circumstances surrounding the birth: This includes, a child who was waited patiently for,a child born in old age e.g. Jacob loved Joseph because he was a child born at his old age and his mother, Rachel was his actually preferred wife until he was deceived to marry her sister.

Positive effects on the other siblings:
It confers some form of independence to the unfavoured children because they are almost indirectly taught independence while the favoured child cannot stand on her own without her parents and so cannot face the challenges life brings.

Negative effects on the other siblings:
*Conflict and disunity in the family.

*Hatred for the favoured child and even the parents.

*Sibling rivalry.

*Low self esteem.

*Poor communication between parents and children.

*Depression in adulthood.

*Suicide in extreme cases.

The negative effect on the favoured child is that sometimes,he expects same gestures from outsiders and if their unrealistic expectations are not met, it leaves them depressed.
They are poorly behaved because they get away with a lot of things.

Solution:
*Spend time with each child individually.

*Affirm and reaffirm their talents,strengths and interests.

*Celebrate achievements and milestones.

*Avoid unhealthy competition in your family.

In summary, favouritism in parenting dates back to the bible days as seen in the case of Rebekah who preferred Jacob to Esau and Isaac,on the other hand, preferred Esau to Jacob.

The consequences were deleterious and sadly outlived them.

Favouritism is human nature, it is sometimes inevitable but how parents and wards handle it is what matters.

While I do not encourage this act, I know that it might be an exercise in futility to tell a parent to drop the favouritism mantra. If you choose to have a favourite, please handle it with a great deal of wisdom and utmost maturity.

Know the love language of your child and profusely shower him with affection,so that you don’t end up creating unnecessary rivalry,bitterness and strife between your children.

Remember that you may also not be spared as they might eventually hate or resent you for loving them less than they deserved.

#effectiveparenting# #gettingitright

Dr Nimi Stephanie Ekere is a wife, mother and Family Physician. She enjoys writing, reading and attending to her patients. She is a life coach and teacher, who is passionate about children and young people walking in the right course and path to achieve their full potential.

Her Foundation, Ekom Charity Foundation mentors young people and also cares for the less privileged.

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How Expensive are Expensive Weddings?

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By Edisemi Okpokiti

The cost for marriages is another reason for low marriages and also early broken marriages…it brings too much pressure to the equation.
Too much expectations, too much injuries in the process to accomplish, too much division already between new families who ought to be uniting, too much attention of the supposed spouse on an event than on the marriage.

Too much false hood expressed that has to be sustained, but with no basis for maintenance. Too much bad blood between supposed couples before they even start their home.

Many marriages ended on the night or morning after the wedding ceremony.

People regret night after their traditional wedding, and ask if it was worth all the tension, pressure and troubles or are visibly sad all through the wedding realising they have short changed themselves.

Love is stifled by fleshy lust of men and women for rights,privileges and inordinate desires to feel among. Many work for years to blow it one week 😭😭

Once the cost of the price to marry is reduced, the attention will be shifted to what my choice person thinks or feels and not what people think or feel; and that’s how relationships are built.

Preparation for marriage ought to be a good opportunity for people to know and get more acquainted with themselves but the pressure makes them distant from themselves, cursing, fighting and bitter at each other for their difference in priority and the family effect on them.

Father in-laws, mother in-laws , Siblings already become vouched enemies even before they know themselves.

It’s pathetic that poor families are the most expensive ones to marry from, it’s like these marriages is their visa out of poverty.

Elders have become children in their conduct and character just because of a young child’s money collected with the deceit of a priceless adventure.

Churches should adopt like the Orthodox churches now do for burials, giving specific date you must bury after death, thereby forcing hands to bury with what they have and not what they think they want.

Weddings in churches should be encouraged to be done even in midweeks and without receptions.

Young people also should stop talking of dream marriages. The women especially would shout “It is not in my turn, I’ll fall my hands”, but can’t you all see ,the men are not proposing because they are afraid and do not have what your entire village will demand? Ladies have to start discussing with their fathers and uncles and defend their husband to be.

Money spent on Marriages in this country, especially by the middle class and poor if invested could make those couples financially stable.

The steam most times is off before the team comes to field.

Many have lost even before the game starts.

Well for those who are really really well to do and I mean both not that the man is. Those whose families have more than enough to spare, then you are not stopped from your ecstasy.

If you are in relationship, and it’s not taking the next step this is a major cause. Seat with yourselves, seat with your parents and pastors and achieve your desire without destroying your desire. SELAH!

If you are a sibling or parent , please assist and clear all barriers and ensure your children and siblings don’t have this as a barrier preventing their marriage.

The age of unmarried is increasing daily to an average of 30…if this menace is not addressed …we will soon hit 35 yrs as average age of unmarried girls.

Let the wise hear, but the foolish rant…Life is a choice.

A counsel is not forced on anyone.

Edisemi Okpokiti is the Lead Faculty, The Pulpit and Lead Consultant of Rhabonni Consult Limited (A Human Capital Development Consultancy Firm). He is a trained Information Management Consultant and passionate preacher of the gospel.

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Features

Opinions Today, Pinions Tomorrow

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By Perez Tigidam

Nigeria is full of drama and the growing internet penetration and social media usage amplifies this daily. Individuals and even corporations are constantly being sucked into this pool of daily drama.

My thought is simple, if you must be an active and opinionated participant in every raging conversation on the internet, ensure you do so from the place of thought and principles and not an emotional rush, no matter how logical it might sound at the moment.

The internet archives, it never forgets.

Perez Tigidam

If you stand for a wrong today and months after try to go against that wrong because this time, you’re emotional towards one party involved, it means that you lack principle in the first place. Because the internet never forgets, people will call your bluff while referring to precedence.

It is very easy to glide into contradiction and inconsistency when you always have to offer opinion or hard stance not backed by principles.

Before you tweet, think. Before you post, pause to ponder.

perez tigidam

I have a particular friend who knows me so well that, in my absence, he can literally tell you what my position will be on any given issue even without hearing from me. Same for him. This is because -not to sound saintly- we’ve been consistent in our thought pattern over a long period of time. Our positions on things are always not popular but there’s been a pattern and we’ve been consistent.

One last thing,

In a low trust society like Nigeria, it’s important that you’re consistent in character and in principles. It helps when those with less knowledge of you bring up disparaging commentary of your person.

Last year, I had a fall out with a client and someone asked me, “What if this client decides to give a negative feedback on referrals?” My response was simple, my disagreement is not out of bad character but out of principle that binds a contractual relationship. Of every one client relationship that goes wrong, there are 9 others that will stand vehemently for me, because of character and precedence.

You can say I am not cheap when it comes to billing for my services and I’d agree, but I do not know that I am a cheat or dubious in character, for this I am grateful for my upbringing and can raise my shoulder anywhere to this.

If I disagree vehemently with a friend or a client, it’s mostly not out of bad character but out of principle. I rarely do shift from my position, either I just want to let you have your way and move on or I’m deeply convinced that my position is wrong, which doesn’t happen instantaneously either. I have to slowly be convinced on facts and principles that support that position, it’s the reason people say I’m stubborn.

But I am not.

Perez Tigidam is a brand management consultant and media entrepreneur based in Nigeria. He runs one of Nigeria’s foremost brand consultancy and design firms Arden & Newton Ltd and doubles up as the user experience and content strategy team lead at TheNerve Africa.

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